Suffering Through Spring in January

To all the skiers and snowboarders out there who’ve been unable to hit the slopes and the skaters who’ve been forced into indoor rinks, to all those who miss snowshoeing and ice-fishing and building snowmen in your front yards — to all of you I offer my sincere, heartfelt apology. You see, I am partially, if not fully, responsible for your pain.

You may hear other reasons behind the recent weather trend, tales of global warming brought on by pollution and the rise in greenhouse gases. You may hear meteorologists attribute the unseasonable record-breaking temperatures in the Northeast to a jet stream of the sort that generally occurs in warmer months, how instead of getting the usual cold air from the north, we are getting warm air flowing in from the south and west. All of these things no doubt provide a partial explanation — but there is something far more insidious contributing to the warming of our weather.

After years of struggling through mounds of snow, of back breaking shoveling of driveways and working to clear a path to our front door, we finally broke down and bought a snow blower. As with our lawnmower years ago, we went in on the purchase with our next-door neighbors. We didn’t settle for the small model, but instead opted for the pricey turbo-charged one that could take on a storm the size of the Blizzard of ‘78. We were ready for anything. And, therefore — naturally — ever since, nothing has happened.

Since that ominous purchase, there has been a significant reduction in the temperature and snowfall levels in the Northeast. I’ve used the snow blower exactly twice — the first time in the early December 2005 snowstorm, and the second time after a mere dusting that, truthfully, could have been more easily handled with my plastic snow shovel.

Other actions on my part have contributed to the warming trend, like my recent purchase of two North Face Polartec vests and a pair of particularly cozy fur-lined slippers. More significantly was the purchase of snowshoes a few seasons back, something I’ve been able to use only a handful of times since.

Though they were a Christmas gift from my husband, he bought them in direct response to my persistent pre-holiday hinting. “Wouldn’t it be wonderful to go snowshoeing in Moose Hill, trudging along the snow-covered trails, breathing in the frosty air amongst ice-covered trees? Oh yeah, we don’t own any snowshoes. Never mind.”

Now one may wonder what a snow blower, North Face vests, furry slippers and snowshoes have to do with the warming trend. The superstitious wood knocking, salt-tossing, sidewalk-crack-avoiding people of the world know the answer to this all too well. When you prepare for or announce one thing, the exact opposite generally occurs. Those who follow sports are familiar with this effect, the so-called Sports Illustrated jinx, how players having exceptionally successful seasons will suddenly tank or sustain side-lining injuries soon after the issue hits the stands.
Some examples of this trend include Mo Vaughn’s collapse (going 0 for 14 in the Indian’s three-game sweep of the Sox) following his October 1995 appearance on the cover, Kurt Warner’s pinkie injury resulting in his missing the next five games after his October 2000 cover, and the announcement of Nomar Garciaparra’s split tendon in his wrist following his appearance on the March 2001 cover.

The lesser-known but equally powerful Madden game jinx has resulted in season-ending injuries of star players like Michael Vick, Donovan McNabb and Shaun Alexander following their appearances on the XBox game cover.

Just as Sports Illustrated and Madden must assume responsibility for the catastrophes that follow players’ cover appearances, I too, must accept that my actions have contributed to the lack of cold weather and snow. The least I can do is try to turn things around. Talking and writing about how warm it has been is a good start. And there are other steps I plan to take.
I’ll stock up on sunscreen and buy a new pair of flip-flops. I’ll put away my down comforter and send my winter coat off to the dry cleaners. I’ll open the windows wide and start my spring cleaning. I’ll prepare the snow blower for its annual hibernation, emptying it of gasoline, draping it under its cover, tucking it in the corner of our shed.

I’ll keep talking to everyone I know about how crazy it is that we’re having spring in the middle of winter, how the birds are chirping, the crocuses are coming up and the cherry blossoms are blooming. Yep, that should just about do it.